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05/02/2002


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Episode 320: The Unearthly

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Complete  or Audio File

[Joel] - What in the..!? Oh, you guys! ([Tom] - We're zany!)

[Crow] - Which results in creativity!

[Tom] - Yeah. We thought we could shake off our own cabin fever by playing a little game.

[Crow] - Yeah, but, um, most of our games are missing their pieces.

[Tom] -  So, we combined them to make our own game, based on this week's movie! Want to help us play a game?

[Joel] - Sure. What can I do?

[Tom] - Well, we're all set up. You could read the directions. ([Crow] - Yeah!)

[Joel] - Oh, these? Okay - Alright. Oh, I can tell you guys put these... It's kind of an amalgam of a bunch of different instructions. Okay! Gotcha!

[Joel] - Equipment: Uh, Game board, showing the many rooms of John Carradine's "Unearthly" mansion. ([Crow] - Did that!) That looks good. ([Tom] - Hold on...)

[Joel] -  Okay. Each player chooses a colored token, or marker.

[Tom] - Oh-oh-oh! I'm the shoe, I'm always the shoe! Dibs on the shoe! ([Crow] - I'm the iron! I get the iron!) ([Joel] - Okay, you're the shoe...)

[Joel] - ([Crow] - I don't want the pig this time.) Okay, you're the iron. And I'll be playing my Captain Kirk king from my Franklin Mint Collection Chess Set, over there. ([Tom] - Oh, I forgot about that one!) ([Crow] - It's the only piece he got!) Okay. What's next?

[Tom] - ([Joel] - Um?) Firsties! We roll for firsties! ([Joel] - Okay - Right!)

[Joel] - Each player rolls the dice in the Tor Johnson Pop-o-matic...

[Joel] - After the first player has been selected, but before you remove his pituitary gland, the player to his or her left loses one turn and then proceeds to Go.

[Crow] - Right! So let's go! We can roll! ([Tom] - We can start! Let's hop into it!) ([Joel] - And then...)

[Joel] - ([Tom] - Let's go right into it!) Each player starts out with a billion dollars, and half a dozen hotels, but immediately loses them when they dump Ivana for Marla.

[Tom] - Yeah Okay! Okay! So, let's go! Let's go! Let's roll the dice! Let's go! Right in there!

[Joel] - The player landing on a 'Plot-Stopper' square must go back to the beginning of the movie, or play the organ for five minutes.

[Joel] - All players must stay within the boundaries of the house. Players going outside the house, or in any way suggesting another location, put the film over budget and must forfeit one turn and pay the player to his or her right the sum not equal to net points made on the back end of the deal.

[Tom] - Okay! We know! ([Crow] - Okay, so spin, um, now!) Let's roll - roll! Here we go! Pop-o-matic, roll the... ([Joel] - Play.. No, hold on...)

[Joel] - Players caught on the stairway lose one turn. Players caught in a meaningless two-shot with John Carradine (Tom/Joel) lose one turn. ([Crow] - Yeah...)

[Joel] - Players who lose one turn... (All) ...lose one turn. ([Tom] - Okay, here we go! Woo-hoo!) Wait a second...

[Joel] - Players who lose the breakfast argument with the palooka advance to the woman's bedroom. Palookas making advances on the woman (Tom/Joel) lose one turn.

[Tom] - Thank you, Joel. You know, we wrote these rules, so we know them. We can just catch on as we go. Let's go! Woo! ([Joel] - Hold on, hold on...)

[Joel] - Dialogue cards: ([Tom] - Ahhh! This could take ten minutes!) Players landing on the dialogue box must draw one card.

[Joel] - Players must then read a passage of dialog. ([Crow] - Yeah, but you don't need to do that, because... ([Tom] - We can do that when we get to them! When we come around to the dialog cards...) Okay. ([Crow] - When we land on that square...and then...) All right. ([Tom] - Ahhh!)

[Joel] - Okay, hold on, here it is. Here we go. (reading the card) "As John Carradine:" Let's see, here. "I'm glad to hear you're willing to help. You're a clever young man. I've decided you could be of assistance to me." ([Tom] -  Pretty good Carradine!) Man: ([Crow] - Yeah.)

[Joel] - "I'm real handy to have around, especially if you need someone to bandage a gunshot wound."

[Joel] - John Carradine: ([Crow] - Joel? Joel?) "That's not exactly what I had in mind." ([Tom] - Joel, come on! We want to play!) "I said last night that we'd have a little talk." Man: You talk... ([Crow] - Joel, the commercial sign light is flashing.)

[Joel] - "... and I'll listen." John Carradine: ([Tom] -What could be so wrong with just playing!?!?) ([Crow] - Let's just leave!) "I've dedicated my life..."

[Joel] - "to a project that most scientist have considered..." ([Crow] - Please, Mr. Can we have our ball back?) "beyond the realm of possibility!"

[Joel] - "...Believe me, it's not impossible to the true scientist...."

(Segment Ends)

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