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5/17/2001


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Episode 705: Escape 2000

Host Segment

---------------------------

(Tom is ill from their "Boys Night Out")

[Tom] - Maybe I just need to lay down for a minute....

(Tom continues to go-on in the background)

[Mike] - ([Crow] - Huh.) Poor sick dope! ([Crow] - Yeah.)

[Mike] - ([Crow] - Seemed fine back there.) Come on, have a little of this. (Offers Tom a drink)

(Crow notices the red light on the console is blinking)

[Mike] - ([Crow] - Ah...) Hey, why would The Mads be calling at this hour for?

[Dr F] - Okay, it's like this, Nelson... I've been going over your Arbatron numbers, and despite our efforts to boost your ratings, they've been flat-a-roo!

[Dr F] - We've tried MST Nites, but the network just didn't go for it. Frankly, I blame you guys!

[Mike] - US! WHY?

[Dr F] - Why? Because there's no kid! Every successful television show has had a winsome child of some sort. Take your, um,  Family Affairs, your Full Houses, your The Avengers.

[Crow] - The Avengers didn't have a cute kid!

[Dr F] - Well, split hairs, if you will... The point is, we need something cute on the show!

[Dr F] - Gentlemen, I give you Timmy Bobby Rusty! Huh? Huh?

[Mike] - Timmy Bobby Rusty?

[Dr F] - Come on! Look, he's got red hair!

[Timmy Bobby Rusty] - Dr Forrester, are you my daddy?

[Dr F] - No! Well, Mike? Adorable, huh? I can already feel those ratings going, Voom!

[Crow] - Timmy Bobby, ah, Rusty... (laughs)

[Mike] - What does Timmy Bobby Rusty do, exactly?

[Dr F] - Do? What does he do? Why, he's adorable! And people will love it! (laughs) (Doorbell rings) Oh, that must be the Arbatron numbers! (laughs) (Opens the door to get his delivery)

(Timmy Bobby Rusty goes over to Pearl, who is still in the "home" into which Clayton has placed her)

[Timmy Bobby Rusty] - Hey, lady.. Are you my Nana?

[Pearl] - Look, Clay. I've got to be honest... I don't like kids.

[Dr F] - (Checks his Arbatron numbers) Oh, damn! Timmy Bobby Rusty didn't bring the ratings up one scintilla!

[Dr F] - (Runs over to the Timmy Bobby Rusty and pushes him off the screen)

(Timmy Bobby Rusty is crying in the background)

[Dr F] - Well, don't worry, Nelson. There's still my nude celebrity trap-shoot! (laughs)

[Dr F] - Pull! (laughs)

(Commercial Sign)

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