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Episode 324: Master Ninja II

Host Segments

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Complete Audio File

[Tom]  - No! No, no, no, no, no! IT'S ALL WRONG! Timothy Van Patton is NOT the type for a gerbil!

[Tom] - ([Crow] - It's a HAMSTER!) Well, whatever! He shouldn't be going around with a Cricetid, or any small Slavic origin rodent. It doesn't fit the profile! ([Crow] - Ahhh! You're loony!)

[Tom] - Well for your information, Boris, there are plenty of perfect examples of detectives and other crime-fighting types who's pets were perfectly suited to them!

[Tom] - Baretta's cockatoo, Sonny Crockett had a crocodile, Columbo's bassett hound, BJ had the bear...

[Joel] - Turner had Hootch...

[Tom] - Right! Good! McCloud had his horse... They all made sense!

[Crow] - Oh, come on! Who went and made you the expert?

[Joel] - ([Tom] - Well...) Um, well, actually I did. I wrote a subroutine into his database allowing him to pair fictional detectives with pets.

[Crow] - (sarcastic) Oh Gee! What a useful bit of programming! ([Tom] - Hey!)

[Joel] - Well, it's something to do. I mean, um, why don't you do it for us with today's mumbling hero? You know...

[Tom] - Well, I'd suggesting a mandrill for Timothy.

[Crow] - A mandrill??

[Joel] - What about Magnum P.I.?

[Tom] - Oh, let's see... Something tropical. A sea turtle!

[Crow] - How about Jim Rockford?

[Tom] - Praying mantis...

[Joel] - T. J. Hooker?

[Tom] - Oh, he'd have a creature with the head of Adrian Zmed and the body of a spider monkey.

[Crow] - Uh, The Avengers?

[Tom] - For Emma Peel, a newt. For John Steed, let’s see, a spitting cobra or a duck.

[Joel] - Toma?

[Tom] - Cockatoo! Same as Baretta... Next?

[Crow] - Um, Bat Masterson?

[Tom] - Penguin. All of your 19th century western detectives would have penguins. But there may be a couple puffins thrown in, so be sure and ask me about each one. ([Crow] - Okay.)

[Joel] - What about, um,  Starsky and Hutch?

[Tom] - Paul Michael Glasser - a vicuna. David Soul - a bat.

[Joel] - (mouths) Amazing!

[Crow] - Um, Matlock?

[Tom] - He raises meal worms for money.

[Joel] - The Saint?

[Tom] - Sea Cow...

[Crow] - Miss Marple?

[Tom] - Weasel.

[Joel] - Mod Squad?

[Tom] - Puppy. Lizard. Bird.

[Crow] - Um, Charles Darwin?

[Joel] - Oh, now he wasn't a detective!

[Crow] - Well, so? He tracked stuff down, didn't he?

[Tom] - It's okay, Joel. It's okay. Crow, Professor Darwin would have a howler monkey that would eventually evolve into his wise-cracking partner, Blake.

[Joel] - Oh, now you're just showing off ([Tom] - (laughs))

[Crow] - Hey! Wait a minute! Charles Darwin wasn't fictional!

[Joel] - ([Tom] - Shhhh!) Just hush, you two! We have Commercial Sign. Let's go.

(End of segment)

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