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10/18/2001


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Episode 1009: Hamlet

Host Segments

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Complete Audio File

[Pearl] - My friends, this is it! Future generations may damn me, but in moments the world will be mine!

[Pearl] - For I have created a mutant virus so insidious, yet so destructive, that, by morning, half the planet's population will be dead! (All laugh an evil laugh!)

[Mike] - (Running a 3-card Monte scam) Never mind that. Find the lady! Come on, find the lady! Let's go, find the lady!

[Pearl] - Fool! This is no time for games! You will be the first to die!

[Mike] - Never mind that. Find the lady! Come on, find the lady! It's easy! Anyone can do it. Find the lady. Nothing to watch, a buck to play. Find the lady!

[Mike] - Sorry, costs a buck to play. Come on now, find the lady! Find the lady!

[Pearl] - OK, here's a buck!

[Brain Guy] - Uh, it's a set-up. You can't win! It's a set-up!

[Pearl] - Shut up! Um, the left!

[Mike] - No, I'm sorry. (holds up the middle card) Here she is. Come on now, find the lady. Easy to do. Come on, let's play.

[Pearl] - Mmmm! The lllllllllllll-right!

[Mike] - You are exactly . . . wrong! (holds up middle card) Here she was.

[Mike] - OK, Pearl, let's raise the stakes a little bit now. If we win, we get to choose the movie we watch. If you win, we'll watch two movies. Now, you think you can take me? Go ahead on. It's your move.

[Bobo] - ([Pearl] - Okay, Nelson, I pick . . .) The middle! Middle! Pick the middle! No wait, it's the left. No! Right! Right! Right, right, it's right. Wait, wait, wait. It's the QUEEN! The queen is the lady, right? ([Pearl] - (Gives Bobo the virus formula) Drink this.) Oh, okay....

[Pearl] - Milkbag, you're omniscient, what do you think?

(Bobo drinks the formula, then collapses to the floor)

[Brain Guy] - It's a scam. You can't win.

[Pearl] - Oh, I forgot, you're also a puss! I pick middle!

[Mike] - Hmm. Yes, yes let's see. Yes, yes. (picks up the middle card, which is not the Queen) ([Crow] - Yeah!) ([Tom] - Woo-hoo!

[Tom] - We win! We get any movie we want!

[Crow] - Mike, you're the bomb, man! What are you going to pick?

[Mike] - Oh, let's see. Something I'd like. Let's say, say the greatest drama of all time. Pearl, send me "Hamlet"! ([Crow] - Wow!) Uh, Branagh, Zefferelli, Olivier, it's your choice. ([Tom] - Great!)

[Brain Guy] - Psst psst psst, Hamlet. Psst psst psst, German. Psst psst psst, bratwurst! ([Pearl] - (laughs) Perfect!)

[Pearl] - You win! Fine! You get Hamlet! Oh boy, do you get Hamlet!

[Pearl] - A dark, dreary dubbed version made in 1960 for German television. (laughs) God, am I good?

[Brain Guy] - Girly, you are the best!

[Pearl] - Send it up, Cream Cheese! And, choke it down, schnitzel-box!

[Mike] - But, we won. Follow the.. whahe. .wrong...We. . .

[Tom] - Put it away honey, come on.

[Crow] - Time for starchy, pork-filled German Hamlet!

[Mike] - We got Movie Sign. ([Tom] - Movie Sign!)

(End of segment)

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