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Episode 406: Attack of the Giant Leeches

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Complete Audio File

[Joel] - Well, Sirs. As you know, puberty is that time when childhood crosses that mighty threshold to adulthood.

[Joel] - Kids can't wait for it to start, and grown-ups can't wait for it to leave. ([Tom] - Laughs) It's springtime for your body, and you're about to bloom into beautiful flora. But as you know, being an adolescent is time consuming. And that's why we came up with this: The Satellite of Love Insty Adolescent Kit.

[Crow] - Yeah. Why waste your teendom in torturous flux, when those funny feeling downstairs can be taken care of in a jiffy?

[Crow] - Get ready. You'll have to start showering daily as sebaceous oil, ([Joel] - (Begins rubbing the oil over Tom's dome) ([Tom] - Oh, no, no! Oh! Ewe!) included in the kit, does double-duty on your scalp, face, and underarms. ([Tom] - Ewe, and my back, too. Ick!)

[Joel] - Yeah, and don't forget the octaves you'll encompass when you finally encounter our minty-fresh hormonal spray! (sprays some into Tom's mouth)

[Tom] - (Clears his throat, but his voice keeps breaking) Hello, Suzy? Want to go to the Snow-Days Dance with me?

[Crow] - (Laughs) And that's when your face turns beet-red, ([Joel] - (Applying pimple-stickers to Tom's dome) but it's okay, because Suzy won't notice, because you'll be covered with pimples!

[Tom] - ([Crow] - Ech!) You guys just don't understand me!!!!

[Crow] - That's right. Now that you're a teen, the most innocent remarks by friends and family will be construed as personal attacks.

[Tom] - Oh, and what's that supposed to mean!?!? ([Crow] - Um, well... Huh?)

[Joel] - Well, fortunately, each kit comes with it's own personal retort-cards, with come-backs like, "You just have no clue!", "Who was in my room?!", and "You guys are so phony!"

[Tom] - Oh, you're not the boss of me!!!

[Crow] - Hey, but there's more! Mood Pills! Yes, you'll span the emotional 12, and you'll experience everything from mild nausea, persistent dread, to ecstatic feelings of immortality! ([Tom] - (rambling and sulking in the background the whole time!) No CD's! Because you're so lame! I can listen to whatever CD's...  It's my, It's my CD player! It's my CD's and I can do whatever. You know, it's not satanic lyrics! What, do you think I'm stupid or something!?! I just don't....(Begins to sob)

[Joel] - ([Tom] - ...feel very good.) All this in one afternoon. ([Tom] - (Sobbing) I don't care anymore!)

[Tom] - Great! But I still don't have my license!

[Joel] - Oh, listen, Mr. If you don't like it, you can stay in a hotel down the street! ([Crow] - (Laughing) What do you think, Sirs? ([Tom] - Jerk!)

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